In “A Lullaby of Anguish,” two sisters, Cassia and Antonia, carry the guilt of their past with them in different ways, but they share two things: the experience of being raised in a family that believes anguish sells, and the memories of cruelty they took part in, before they knew any better. The young sisters made a magical, fragile, and wonderous discovery in the sea behind their parents’ home—merchildren and young selkies and infant leviathans—but rather than protect these little creatures, they had plucked them from the ocean and photographed them, exploiting their pain, discomfort, and anguish for art and media attention. As adults, despite a lifetime of trying to either leverage or forget this dark time of their youth, their infamy attracts a certain type of person to them: a hungry type that wants to reignite their past and force them to confront it again.
Marie Croke is an award-winning fantasy and science-fiction writer living in Maryland with her family, all of whom like to scribble messages in her notebooks when she’s not looking. She is a graduate of the Odyssey Writing Workshop, and her stories can be found in over a dozen magazines, including Apex Magazine, Beneath Ceaseless Skies, Zooscape, Cast of Wonders, Diabolical Plots, and Fireside. She has worked as a slush editor and first reader for multiple magazines, including khōréō and Dark Matter, and her reviews can be found in Apex Magazine. Her hobbies include crochet, birding, and aerial dance. You can find her online at mariecroke.com or chat with her @marie_croke on Twitter.
Marissa van Uden: Thank you for joining us today, Marie! “A Lullaby of Anguish” is such a beautiful, confronting, and deeply honest story, one I’ll be thinking about for a long time. Could you start off by telling our readers about the inspiration for this piece, and how it evolved from seed idea into its final form? I’d love to know at what point that fantastic ending came into being.
Marie Croke: Not all stories come from a depth of emotion, but this one did. Oh, it very much did.
My giant family gathers once a year at a rented beach house in the summer, so my partner and I were watching our daughter in a pool while my son went down to the beach with some of my siblings. Above our heads, all the neighboring people at the neighboring houses suddenly started having shouting conversations, yelling out to people running up from the beach, “Does he need help? Is he okay? Is the current pulling him?” Dudes raced past with their surfboards with all the heroism you’d see in Baywatch. So, naturally, momma instincts made me want to check on my boy. I told my partner to go down to the beach, since he is stronger than I am, while I pulled our daughter out of the pool.
By the time I ran over the dune to the beach, I was shaking, because I knew someone was likely hurt, I just didn’t know who. I arrived to see my partner and my brother, who immediately told me that everyone in our family was fine, and then they pointed down the beach where hundreds of other people had congregated.
I took one look at the massive crowd that had gathered to watch the lifeguard take his jet ski out to save the man in the water, and every bit of nervous energy inside me turned to absolute fury. All those people, all their phones, all their pointing and laughing like they were enjoying the excitement. Because of where my mind had been at moments before, I couldn’t help but think how I would have felt if the person getting sucked away by the riptide was my loved one. And the thing is, it’s always someone’s loved one, regardless of whether or not they're yours.
So, I sat down, with the water and my love and my fury, and a cold woman spilled onto the page. A woman who grew up surrounded by parents (our culture) telling her that anguish was entertainment, but who had discovered the awful costs of that entertainment first-hand and how it can always be someone or something we love at the center of those costs. I wanted the ending to be brutal. And I wanted it to be purposeful. Maybe a part of me wanted to take literary revenge against those who care more about the photo than the person in the photo.
MVU: Oh wow, what a wild experience. That automatic response some people have to turn tragedy into content really is horrifying. Is our culture’s fascination with anguish—in particular the exploitation of the vulnerable for art and tabloids—something you see as getting worse in our current era of social media and ubiquitous high-quality cameras on phones?
MC: A culture-wide fascination is hard to pin down quantitatively, but I would definitely say that the world has more and more access to pain across the globe. Newspapers have forever been glorifying awfulness as front-page news. Now, we simply ingest the awfulness from places even further afield. There’s always something dreadful happening somewhere, and, unfortunately, those are the pieces that usually capture an individual's attention. People, as a whole, are less likely to stop and read about happy events. Sweet stories are less likely to go viral.
I don’t think this means that people are worse. I think there are kind, wonderful, caring people all across the world. I do think that our current era has given more access to platforms for those who are willing to do whatever it takes to be seen, including stepping on/over others on their way.
This isn’t Maine, it’s Connecticut, but this photo definitely gives off the
atmosphere I feel when thinking about “A Lullaby of Anguish”
MVU: Antonia seems very much at the mercy of her guilt, unable to cope with life well without falling into harmful coping mechanisms, while Cassia deals with hers by compartmentalizing: she is so practiced at pushing it aside, excusing it, and pretending that painful thoughts don’t exist, that she can even put her own sister’s suffering out of her mind—at least to a point. Could you talk a little about this … was this something you were consciously exploring with this character, and is it something you’ve noticed people doing in real life to avoid confronting their own complicity or other hard truths?
MC: For Cassia, I wanted a character who had become somewhat desensitized to the anguish she’d grown up around and had participated in simply because of inundation. For her, I wanted to show how she explains away (or had once explained away) actions she’d taken, excuses that she knows, deep down, aren’t good enough. I needed a character capable of the cold, hard decision, but who readers could still empathize with to some degree. “Child-Cassia,” therefore, is different in her mind from “Adult-Cassia,” which is both a very true statement, even in reference to any individual in real life, but also doesn’t absolve her of her actions. What the story does do is place more of the blame on her parents (our culture) and all the people who knowingly propagate the exploitation of anguish and suffering of others. It also showcases the propensity for change in individuals, even if that change is slow, hard-to-come, or never fully realized for our pasts do not erase themselves from our selves.
Real life people are far more complicated than characters in stories. In stories, we have the privilege of viewing only small slices of humanity and emotional depth, and thus our judgements can be harsher and easier. In real life, even the people who are complicit in painful situations cannot be pressed into the two-dimensionality we write. I would say, yes, I’ve noticed there are people who remove themselves from what they view as accusing, difficult conversations, whether because they have compartmentalized the painful memories or because of a difficulty in empathizing with others or for other reasons. Most people don't like the thought that they are in the wrong, but all people have the capacity to learn and take responsibility for the consequences of their own actions.
MVU: I’m always so impressed at the emotional depth of your stories—you never miss!—and the way your stories feel so realistic and vivid because of the specificity and rich sensory details. Do you have a set process you tend to follow for story creation, in terms of starting with a theme or emotional throughline versus an image or scene? Or do you let each story dictate how it should be developed?
MC: That is very kind of you! Emotional depth is something I’m always striving for when I write, and it’s so, so satisfying to know that I’ve succeeded.
As always, it does somewhat depend on the story. However, I’m very much an emotional writer. The stories I connect with the most are the ones that start with a passionate voice, though that passion can encompass a great range of emotions. In this story, Cassia held a cold anger at the core of her being, an anger intermixed with a regret that she didn't much like feeling, along with a love for a sibling she knows she didn’t wholly do right by. That guiding mix of emotions allowed me to follow her actions because I understood her thoughts every step of the way.
I have more difficulty when a story spawns from an action or plot point. In order for that kind of inspiration to create a character core I can follow, it takes a great deal more work to find them, and sometimes it can get messy along the way.
When I start with an emotional character first, the theme tends to feel intertwined already. Sometimes, I can see aspects of the theme from the first scene. Sometimes, it takes me writing halfway through the story before the theme unveils itself, and I’m left realizing I’d been subconsciously writing toward that theme the whole time and just hadn’t quite figured it out consciously.
When I don’t start with an emotional character, a story’s theme can often feel contrived, like I’m attempting to shove a square block into a round hole, and it takes a lot more revising to see the story clearly. Usually, this means I just started writing the story far too soon and should have allowed the idea or image to percolate more so the character had a chance to form.
For obvious reasons, I prefer to actually start writing with that narrative voice popped fully formed in my head. That kind of storytelling feels natural to me, regardless whether that character is furious or morose or ecstatic or terrified.
MVU: I love that. One of my favorite stories of yours is “The Swift-Footed Darling of the Rocks (Do NOT Actually Call Me That),” about the most persnickety unicorn. That voice!! It makes me smile every time. Can you tell us a little about how that story came to be and how you found that perfect voice?
MC: Oh, thank you!! That’s one of my favorites too! The short fiction market tends to prioritize darker themes, so it was an absolute honor that this sweet story about a persnickety unicorn found a home and so many readers who loved her.
In terms of the voice of that piece, well, I get overwhelmed sometimes trying to write serious work. Dwelling too long in painful, angry, disturbed emotions can begin to drain the psyche. One of the ways I counterbalance this is by tapping into my romance need for happily-ever-afters to write what can almost be called mental palate-cleansers.
Prior to “Swift-Footed Darling,” I’d taken a break and written a story I dubbed “Delivery for 3C at Song View” as my “palate-cleanser.” After I’d finished it, I thought “No one will want this story. It’s too silly. It’s not serious enough.” And with that thought, I ended up doing a critique swap with one my Odyssey mates, a man who I knew to be kind in his critiques and who wouldn’t tear the story apart. I even told him I knew the story had no themes, no purpose, was just a bit of fun. He responded with the most heart-warming critique telling me that of course the story had themes and then he labeled them. That story sold to Diabolical Plots a few months later, proving to me that my “silly romance happily-ever-afters” really weren’t so silly after all and that both editors and readers will enjoy them.
So, sixish months later, when I needed a new break, I was inspired by a shirt I own that features an angry unicorn with a knife taped to their horn that reads “I WILL CUT YOU.” However! The unicorn was still cute! So … I wrote about a stabby unicorn who is definitely, most certainly angry (kind of, sort of) and wants no part of other obnoxiously twee unicorns (because UGH), but who, in reality, is quite mushy inside past all the sharp pointy parts.
I would like to give you some form of impressive, philosophical answer about where I found the unicorn’s voice, but I don't truly have one. I took that passionate character voice (that maybe can be summed up with HOW DARE!) and ran with it the same way I do with other passionate characters, discovering all her pointy parts and mushy parts as I went.
My I WILL CUT YOU adorable stabby unicorn shirt! This is the one I wear
when I’m thinking, “please, no peopling today” Lol
MVU: No, that’s perfect! The mood of that story is so strong, and I can see it all right there in its origin story. Did you grow up in a very creative family or have someone special (whether a parent or other adult) who really encouraged your reading and writing? Who was that, and in what ways do you feel you are still influenced by them?
MC: This is a difficult question to answer. I think people are confusing messes of emotions, which makes them both fantastic and awful at the same time, so the person who inspired you in one way could easily be the same person who deflated your excitement about something else.
Yes, my family is very creative, most in ways I am not.
When it comes to reading inspiration: My mother taught me how to read and made sure to always take me to the library. My father filled the house with Grisham, Kellerman, Asimov, Heinlein, Clarke. My oldest brother is a massive King fan, while one sister adores historical fiction and another left her SFF and romance books all over the house. I would share epic fantasy books with my younger brother, and we would compete to see who could read them faster.
However, many of these same people told me, in one way or another, that I couldn't be a writer or that the things I liked writing weren't worth writing or weren't any good—or, even if they were good, there wasn't any reason to write them because you can't make a living at writing, and if you can't make good money, well, there's supposedly no point.
My littlest sister inspired me to write. She was still in high school and had started writing a novel. For the first time in my life, I remember thinking, “Hey, wait, I wanted to do that too. Why haven't I?” I admit now, that I felt jealous of her motivation. There she was, doing something that I had dreamt of doing for years and years and hadn't because I had other people’s voices whispering in my head.
So, I went home and started writing. And because I’m super stubborn, despite being a depressed introvert who is terrified of people en masse, I keep writing.
MVU: Stubbornness is such an essential part of being a writer! What fiction works, from back then or in more recent years, do you feel most impacts your writing today? What is it that you love most about those works?
MC: I’d be remiss if I didn’t start with Baum and the Oz books. My dad brought me home The Wizard of Oz randomly one day, and I will forever be grateful for that gift. It was a story about a little girl around my age going to a completely different magical world having an adventure. During a time when I didn’t have a lot of books about girls getting to have adventures, this was eye-opening. So, I begged for book two. Read it in one day and came downstairs immediately begging for book three and having to convince my parents that “Yes! I DID read it already!” I think the Oz books gave me permission to truly see myself in fiction, and that impact is something I think most readers need to become readers. Once you see yourself, it’s hard to stop dreaming.
Following those formative years, I read through a plethora of writers who have impacted me in different ways. McCaffrey’s works were a blend of science-fiction and fantasy that made me realize that no matter the setting, the true magic comes from the characters and the relationships between them. Asimov’s murder-mystery robot books coupled with James P. Hogan's Inherit the Stars rekindled my love of mystery that started with The Boxcar Children series and intermixed it with SFF to make the perfect blend of awesomeness that helped inspire all my stories with their twists and reveals and mysteries at their cores.
And in more recent years: Sarah Beth Durst, Alix E. Harrow, Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Roshani Chokshi, Martha Wells, among many others, have kept me realizing that the wonder we first felt as children can be found again and again as adults if we just look hard enough and read wide enough.
MVU: What a beautiful answer. Can you tell us what your ideal writing day looks like? Any special rituals or habits, or a favorite soundtrack or place to write … or do you write whenever and however?
MC: For me to work efficiently and effectively, I need quiet and zero interruptions. Those are two things that are hard to come by and difficult to retain when they do show up.
I have attempted to create rituals during more difficult periods—I've tried music, candles, writing sprints with friends, particular seating arrangements special only to writing, etc.—but ultimately, what works best for me is to have no human beings around, to be surrounded by silence, while sitting in a comfortable seat.
I also need regularity. I’m not one of those writers who work on sudden bursts of inspiration where they get an idea and can reserve that weekend to bang it out. There are just too many interruptions in my life for that to ever work, no matter how much I wish it could. In order to actually finish stories, I must craft myself daily-ish writing goals, even if I don’t meet them, because that way the story I’m working on is always on the tip of my brain, both subconsciously and consciously.
I’m a consistent writer who admittedly gets quite sad and grumpy if I haven’t been able to put words down for too many days in a row.
MVU: What is your process for capturing ideas, and how do you decide what project to work on next?
MC: My process is a magical thing filled with angst and confusion and randomness.
I capture ideas everywhere: random new files on 4thewords, jottings on my notes app on my phone, saved screenshots and downloads that I should probably organize, endless notebooks, animal-shaped post-it notes with the sticky stuff covered in dust, text messages that I send and then screenshot to be added to that unorganized album, Reddit saved posts that I scroll through twice a year. I’m pretty sure the ideas are amassing in order to rise up and strangle me one day for not having ever gotten back to them.
The angst comes in with the decision-making for my next project. I’m ashamed to admit that I probably have over a hundred started stories, from shorts to novels, all over the place. Some as short as a paragraph. Some as long as 30K words. I’m pretty sure every story above 6K is constantly side-eyeing me with a put-out expression for my (temporary!) abandonment.
I’m a big believer in using motivation when you have it, which leads to me not actually being a linear writer. I’ll jump around in a story, writing scenes out of order, pulling out pieces that don’t fit and then finding places for them in later sections. Unfortunately, I also use this tactic in choosing what to work on as well. Whatever motivates me the most at that point is what I’ll open up to work on. This means, that when I’m knee-deep in a project and really excited about seeing it come together, I can make serious progress. But if I get interrupted? Especially by life things? All my thoughts crumble into pieces and I struggle to figure out what I was doing, so my brain thinks it’s easier to jump to a different project. (It’s probably not, but brains will think silly things sometimes.)
What this means is I’ll sometimes have months and months at a time when I’ll have nothing finished. And then abruptly, I’ll have a domino effect and knock out a bunch of stuff all at once because I’d been inching forward on multiple projects that whole time, and now each story only needed that last push to really make it come together.
MVU: That truly is a magical process! Thank you for joining us to talk about your stories and writing. Can you let our readers know if you have any publications coming out soon or maybe a little hint of what you’re working on next?
MC: Thank you for having me!! I love getting to chat about writing and all its aspects, especially with other publishing professionals!
I have a couple of other stories coming out this year!
“A Bestiary of Past, Present, and Future Animals” is a short story in the book Fathoms in the Earth coming from Air and Nothingness Press. It’s a book of The Tempest retellings using the 24 titles from Greenaway’s Tempest film “Prospero’s Books.” It was a fun challenge to craft a SFF retelling combining both The Tempest characters and the title so that it comes together seamlessly. I got to create a bestiary of fantasy beasts for mine!
I have a flash piece coming in Marissa van Uden’s Strange Locations anthology as well, titled “Ghost Tours of Eaden Marsh.” I’m especially proud of this mini-story because flash, particularly the shorter end of flash, has never been my strong suit, so being able to craft this story in such a small word count and have it be accepted for this anthology is a serious accomplishment. Plus, marshes as setting are so incredibly satisfying!
I’m also on sub with a novel via my agent—a cross-genre SFF with literary aspects—and, as always, working on too many other novels in the meantime!
MVU: Hey, that’s me, I’m the Marissa :) I’m so excited to share your flash story with our readers! It’s just gorgeous, and it does so much in such a small space. Also, yes, so here for all the marsh stories. Thank you again for all these wonderful insights into your writing life!
