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EDITORIAL DISPOSITIONS #9: You’re Boring Me
The big sale, it has been made. You drink heavily from a box of cheap wine in celebration. In the heat of the night, you strip down to your skivvies and run up and down the streets of your town exulting in writing superiority.
You will soon be a published writer.
I say: go ahead, celebrate. Making a professional sale is hard. There are too many writers for the number of quality markets to give everybody a piece of pie. What we need is a Jesus Christ figure funding professional markets like he did with the fish and wine. But I digress…
One of the things your editor will ask from you prior to publication is a biography. Generally, the request will be for a short biography (less than 200 words) written in third person. It’s the one bit of self-promotion evil publishers–like myself–will grant the lowly writers. Too often, writers waste this gift.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about writers, it is that they love their cats. Think about it. How many of those bio blurbs have you read at the end of a story that go like this:
Mary Margaret Smith lives in Podunk, Montana with her wonderful husband, Ted, where they serve every whim of their two cats, Oswald and Larry, whom they love dearly. When not feeding or petting the cats, Mary fights them off her computer so to write spooky stories. Usually stories about humanity running from cats.
That’s a lot of cat info. Frankly, I don’t care about Oswald and Larry. When I read a biography, I want to know more about the writer, not about his or her cats. Has the writer won any awards? Got anything else coming out soon in the off chance that I want to read more of your work? I guess I’ll never know, because Oswald and Larry are the most important figures in your life.
And really, I don’t really care about your wonderful husband Ted. Or anybody else in your family.
As an editor/publisher, I want a bio that will make the writer interesting. Here are a few things I like to see in bios:
1) Geographic location – This can be interesting for those who live in your region (”Hey, Mari Adkins lives in the same city as me!”). Or, you have people like Lavie Tidhar, who lives in a different country each week (”Wow, Vanuatu, now that’s remote!”).
2) Most recent awards -- This type of stuff validates a reader’s appreciation of your short story. If readers hate your story, it might make them think less of the award, but that’s not your problem.
3) Past publication history – Especially your pro-level credits. Books from major publishers and well-respected small presses work, too. Are you lacking writing credits? Have you been to one of the Clarion workshops? Viable Paradise?
4) Website or blog — All authors should be required to place this in their bios. So many don’t, and it just makes me shake my head.
5) Bring the funnies – An amusing anecdote that ties into the story in question works well when it’s not a lame anecdote or a failed attempt at a joke.
Here’s the stuff I don’t like:
1) Age – Nobody needs to know.
2) Your wonderful, supportive spouse – Who cares? Maybe you do, or your spouse does, but your reader doesn’t give a flip.
3) Pets — This is easily the most commonplace bit of filler in biographies.
4) Influences – It’s irrelevant, and mentioning well-known writers can come across as pretentious.
5) Trying to be funny and failing – Never trust yourself to be the judge of your own humor. Ask someone who isn’t afraid to hurt your feelings whether what you wrote was funny. If they say no or seem at all hesitant, believe it: you’re not funny.
In short, don’t stress too much about writing the perfect bio, but do be professional. And if it keeps you out of trouble with your spouse to mention how wonderful he/she is, then keep the rest professional and the reader might let that one slide. After all, none of us want to read about your miserable ex-husband Ted in your next bio.
Jason Sizemore is the publisher and editor-in-chief of all things Apex. During his free time he writes
weird fiction that can be tracked down from his personal website at http://www.jbsizemore.com.
He has two beautiful cats, two kids, and a WONDERFUL wife.
6 Comments
So when you buy something from me, my bio should be something like:
Residing at the edge of the universe with a clear view of the vacuous nothing beyond it, er Northern Wisconsin, Kelli spends her free time pounding on the keys with the bloody nubs that used to be her fingers. She has several short stories in various online and print magazine, and even dabbled in a poetry sale here or there. Her first novel will be available in 2009 through Morning Star, an imprint of Bloodletting Press. She has a family and pets, but more importantly, a website–where you can stay up to date on the novel or other output from the bloody nubs. Visit her at kellidunlap.com and she’ll refrain from shaking her nubs at you, thus splattering you with bloody goo.
Ah, so snarky. I love you.
We don’t have cats, but we do have a large collection of stuffed animals and Folkmanis puppets.
Do the Folkmanis merit inclusion into your bio?
I toss in the boy and the dogs at the last because the marketing handbooks say that people in stable relationships who have dogs create a sense of loyalty and therefore sell more stuff.
BS? I do sell a lot of books and everyone asks me about my dogs.
>>Never trust yourself to be the judge of your own humor.
Unless you’re name is Jeff Strand. Then know that you are absolutely hilarious. We laugh madly as soon as you come into the room. We’ll probably laugh at your jokes too. :)
Here is what will be published with my story in the next edition of Cat Tales (please God let there be a next addition).
I will have to think about what to say. I don’t like doing bios. I’m not very adventurous, unless you count my recent three mile move to the state of Mississippi. And author resumes are so tedious, unless they’re your resume, in which case they’re usually too short. I’m most proud of my family, my two boys and their wonderful, patient mother, but that’s not likely to fill a quarter page. People say I should open a restaurant, but I like to cook, not work. I could write a homage to all the cats I’ve loved before, who’ve wandered in and out my door. There is always the temptation to pen something terribly clever about yourself, but after a time it no longer seems so clever as it once did and you usually end up regretting it. I’m hoping I will have a supernatural mystery novel to hawk by the time this story is published.