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Kids who grew up in the 70s were blessed by an abundance of original sci-fi creations, as well as a backwash of reruns from the postwar 50s and 60s when fantasy themes reigned as a tool for taking people’s minds off the reality outside their living rooms. Science fiction dominated our Sunday afternoon viewing, and while our parents might have been placated by the sight of poorly costumed monsters and a boom microphone hanging in the shot, these shows weren’t without a tasty dose of trauma for our innocent yet eager young minds. I couldn’t have been more than a tot when I watched the green giant from War of the Gargantuas hungrily chomp down a screaming woman then spit her bloody dress onto the ground like a discarded peanut shell.

But our revulsions weren’t the only formative stirrings of this impressionable time, before cultural taboos taught us that beings made of fur and scales and slabs of celluloid were inappropriate romantic interests. We were developing our first crushes, and most who delve deep enough will admit that their first loves weren’t spawned on the school playground or at summer camp. They were the likes of Judy Jetson and Flash Gordon and Herman Munster. Okay, maybe not Herman Munster, but mine were just as questionable and twice as disturbing. And so I give you my top five inappropriate childhood crushes from the world of science fiction:

Number Five: Cornelius/Caesar from Planet of the Apes

Okay, I know Cornelius and Caesar were technically two different characters, but anyone would be hard pressed to discern between them from a performance standpoint. Both were played by Roddy McDowall, and the variation came only in the plot timeline of one being the father, the other being the son. But oh, when we first met Cornelius…his deep, smoldering brown eyes beneath that Cro-Magnon cliff of a forehead, such a contrast to his cultured vocal delivery and sickly sweet, inherent goodness. An ape with a British accent and a heart of gold, we loved him even more as the messianic Caesar who led the revolt in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. We got chills when he threw down that mop in the town square, mad as hell and not gonna ape it anymore! I would have followed him into battle, and carried his mop to boot.

Number Four: Mr. Spock

While certainly not alone in my Spock crush, I was grossly outnumbered by the little girls swooning over Kirk in his tight green leotard shirt. But I had no interest in the green shirt. I wanted the green blood. The pointed ears, the cocked eyebrow, Spock was the perfect training ground for girls who would grow up to date a series of cold-blooded, emotionally unavailable men. Sure he was the ultimate challenge, but secretly we convinced ourselves we’d be the one woman that could mind meld ourselves in touch with his human side and reap the benefits of those dexterous, nerve pinching fingers.

Number Three: Enik from Land of the Lost

The thinking girls Sleestak, Enik was one of the original Altrusian inhabitants from before their civilization’s fall. With his divining rod and bracelet of magical crystals, he was an intellectually advanced creature, feared by the postwar, evil Sleestaks. Not only was he multi-dimensional, he wore a stunning red blouse which added a comfort level for those of us made squeamish by the unabashed nudity of the other lizard men.

Number Two: The Brown Gargantua

Antitheses to his fearsome, human eating green brother, this strapping giant from War of the Gargantuas had a hero quality defined by his love of humanity and his less slimy, blow-dried blond fur. While he shared the same ferocious pointed teeth of his green counterpart, his eyes had a gentle, sleepy quality under a swoop of blond mane that gave him a mutant Shaun Cassidy air. He was big and powerful like his brother, but he was on our side, as proven when he finds the slimy green giant contentedly napping amidst a pool of blood from the humans he’d been snacking on. Our beloved brown gargantua does what any noble creature would do, and commences beating our evil adversary with a tree. That’s hot.

Number One: The Great Gazoo

Okay, this is the embarrassing one, but what can I say. I’ve always had a thing for short men with a great sense of humor. I loved The Flintstones, but even as a kid I sometimes found Fred and Barney’s innate stupidity tiresome, so I was always thrilled when Gazoo came around to smack them up a bit. He was exiled from his home planet for creating a doomsday machine, so he’s got the bad boy quality going for him, but since he never actually pushes the button, we give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s a pretty good guy underneath it all. Brilliant, ambitious and out of this world, Gazoo is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor in the Hanna-Barbera universe, and he’d be a hell of a fun date if he ever gets that flying saucer running again.

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Adrienne Jones is a speculative fiction and award winning humor writer, and author of the books Brine, Gypsies Stole My Tequila and The Hoax. Despite a well publicized belief in fish people, she’s managed to convince most she’s perfectly normal. Visit her author site at www.hoaxthenovel.com.

All three of Adrienne’s books can be ordered from the Apex aStore.