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I can understand why people reject the concept of alien visitations. And it’s not because it’s outrageous. I mean come on; that’s one huge freaking universe out there that we know almost nothing about, despite our expensive telescopes. It’s obviously possible. So why the adamant railing against the concept of aliens by the majority?

Because aliens piss us off, that’s why. In a world where our intellectual domination is unquestioned as a species, we don’t like the idea of someone more advanced coming down and prodding at us like a vaguely interesting crop of mushrooms. And I do mean vaguely interesting. Because let’s face it, unlike our science fiction alien stories, we’re not even important enough to attack. How patronizing is that? Sure, we’re insignificant, underdeveloped, kind of stupid and prone to primitive, violent behavior, but do they have to rub our faces in it? Shoot a laser at us once in a while! At least give the illusion that we’re a concern, and not just a field trip for some alien high school science class.

Along with their infuriating indifference, their secrecy is annoying as hell. They know things about the universe, and they won’t tell us. They don’t deem us worthy of the information. We are so low in their big poppy black eyes, that we don’t even warrant a pat on the head and a lie about the universe. Even a child too young to comprehend life’s big questions will get some kind of explanation from their parents. And we are asking the questions. Through our literature, our scientific research, our space programs, and at the very least our obsession with them, we ask. We know that they know that we want to know, and they know that we know that they know we want to know. Bastards.

I think it’s time to develop a new plan. If they won’t give us the information, we’ll have to take it by force. Or at the very least annoy them into a reaction. Sure, they’re smarter than we are and infinitely more advanced, but that didn’t stop them from crashing in the desert back in the 40s, did it? Plus they have a predictably lame pattern with the whole ‘hide in the middle of rural nowhere and abduct lonely farmers’ tactic. So here’s what we need to do.

We get some special effects guys to whip up one of those creepy humanoid looking robots, the realistic ones they use in films that can walk around and move their arms and stuff. Take the technology NASA’s using in the Mars Phoenix Lander, and inject it into the robot, so it has recording, photographic and data gathering abilities by remote command. Now like peanut butter on a bird feeder, we need something to lure the aliens’ attention—so we Cletus the robot up. Dress him like a farmer, surround him with cows and drop him out in a field in the middle of the night, somewhere with a lot of reported UFO activity. He’d have to be programmed with artificial life signs so he’ll come up on the aliens’ radar when they’re scanning for human guinea pigs out in the redneck hood. Then we wait for him to be abducted.

Once the Cletus Probe is successfully planted on the alien ship, he sends readings back down to us mushrooms here on earth; recordings, photographs, environmental samples, the whole shebang.

Of course it’s inevitable that the aliens will figure out pretty quick that the Cletus Probe isn’t a real human, but chances are we’ll get a least some info before they spit him back out. And just think…we might manage to piss them off for a change. Because like any neglected child, we really just want to be acknowledged. And just like a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, if we can’t get the positive strokes, we’ll gladly go for the negative. It’s hypothetical of course, but if we could actually fool the aliens into abducting the Cletus Probe, hot damn if that’s not worthy of a spanking! We may just get shot with that laser blast yet.

Adrienne Jones is a speculative fiction and award winning humor writer, and author of the books Brine, Gypsies Stole My Tequila and The Hoax. Despite a well publicized belief in fish people, she’s managed to convince most she’s perfectly normal. Visit her author site at www.hoaxthenovel.com.

All three of Adrienne’s books can be ordered from the Apex aStore.