Apex Book Company

by Gill Ainsworth

As I’ve said before (Issue 3, autumn 2005, of Apex Digest—if you haven’t read it, try to get hold of a copy; it’s a great read) I live in the London Borough of Bromley, an area steeped in history. What I failed to mention was one of my area’s more recent claims to historical fame: Biggin Hill Airport, one of the most active airports during WWII and a prime target for the Luftwaffe. But no-one’s interested in history. At least I’m not. Or wasn’t until…

All I wanted to do was post a parcel to Jason.

“Excuse me, Madam, but you can’t drive through here.”

“What?”

“You can’t pass through this area,” the policeman elucidated, pointing at the tape cordoning off the road I wanted to use.

“A crime scene?” Ever hopeful for a bit of excitement in my life—not that all things Apex aren’t exciting but, well…some blood and guts or maybe even a serial murderer might add a little je ne sais quoi to my existence. After all, serial killers pop up all over the world, so why not my small community?

“No, Madam, an unexploded bomb.”

“What?” I repeat somewhat moronically. I had fallen out of bed at 6am and put in a several computer-hours doing things Apex, and my brain had decided to take a laid-back view on life.

Behind Mr Plod was a group of my neighbours, laughing and joking. Unlike me, they had been evacuated from their homes and, when push comes to the shove, would know that any damage caused by a device dropped from an aeroplane—albeit many years ago—wouldn’t be covered by their insurance. No replacement plasma screen television, no new computer but, worst of all, no rebuilding of their homes. Not unless they delved into their own pockets. It’s in everyone’s small print. But we’re Brits. We love to exercise those stiff upper lips of ours. I mean, what if the Bomb Disposal Squad mess up. They’re already stretched; this has come less than 24 hours after the discovery of a ticking device in Bromley-by-Bow, just a few miles away. Is the name a mere co-incidence or did the Nazi’s have something against the name Bromley?

Needless to say, I do the obvious thing. Obvious to all Brits, that is. I offer to make a nice cup of tea. Here, I hasten to add, I’m not a tea drinker; coffee is my vice, but when in a crisis, it’s hard not to be the epitome of Englishness as, no doubt, the other coffee drinkers felt when I offered them a brew of leaves rather than beans. Or, put it this way: there were no refusals. Kettle on, past-date-stamp tea in the pot—at least I’d get rid of it and clear the kitchen cupboard—I had time to reflect.

Jason wasn’t going to get his package! Not unless I could hijack British Airways and get them to swing past my local airport. Hmm. But the runway, originally designed for the Spitfire, is somewhat short, so I couldn’t see BA agreeing. Perhaps I could add a teabag to Jason’s package; maybe that would save the day.

Several hours and even more cups of tea later (I’d actually cleared my kitchen cupboard of past-date-stamped tea!) the object was pronounced safe. It turned out to be an old slate tile from a long-demolished house. Perhaps it had been demolished by a WWII bomb.

Unlike those poor evacuees in Bromley-by-Bow, my neighbours returned to their homes and no doubt poured themselves a long cold beer, if only to get rid of the taste of my tea. It took several days more of pouring salt water onto the Bromley-by-Bow bomb before that one stopped ticking and could be disarmed. But all’s well that ends well, as they say. Until another device is discovered, that is. These two weren’t flukes; UXOs (unexploded ordnance) aren’t uncommon in England. A sobering thought when your whole life might go up in flames at the drop of a…

Bomb.

Gill Ainsworth hails from Britain. She is known for infusing her writing with clever and sassy “royal” turns of phrase. Her writing has won several fiction awards and she has seen a number of her scientific papers published in respected journals throughout the world (notable in pharmacology). Gill was a 2006 Stoker Award nominee for her work on the Aegri Somnia anthology. She edited a second anthology with Jason Sizemore titled Gratia Placenti that was published in 2007.

Aegri Somnia and Gratia Placenti can be ordered from the Apex aStore.