Apex Book Company

Dan Nedzi gazed stupidly into the machine like he was looking into eternity itself. “This is gonna work, right? I mean, I don’t want my brains fried.”

“You just hold still, Mr. Nedzi” said the tech, “I haven’t fried anyone’s brain for six months. Eight months if you don’t count the hobo. He was just for practice.”

“Oh I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Relax, I’m just giving you your money’s worth. This will be more fun than Disney.”

The tech was completing the forms on a hand held assistant. “Forty two years of age, correct?”

“Close enough. Look, I really need this thing Doc. I’m taking so many pills I can’t think straight. I had so many shock treatments I don’t know what part of my brain I have left.” Dan had basset hound eyes. He frustrated people but everyone wanted to help him.

“You spell it N-e-d-z-i, right? I’m not a doctor, by the way. I’m an A-3 Tech. Name is Chip, see?” He indicated the gold badge pinned to his smock. “You done unloading the metal from your pockets? Not that you really have to these days. Just to be on the safe side, right?” Dan spilled his coins into a pouch that would be taken away to a safe distance. Everyone in the business remembered the time a boy was killed getting an MRI, hit by an oxygen tank that shouldn’t have been in the room. The procedure Chip was doing for Mr. Nedzi was much more powerful than an MRI.

“Chip, I haven’t slept in four days. Is that going to affect the scan? I’m a little crazy here.”

“Mr. Nedzi, we’re making a complete copy of your brain, not your present state of mind. Now please lay down in the chamber.”

Dan could smell all the plastic that the big machine was made of. “It’s not–the thing is–if I’m a little fuzzy on everything today, it won’t come out–”

“Mr. Nedzi your brain copy is going to be installed into an electronic neural computer with reliable neural circuits. The computer version of your brain will be immune to the distorting effects of pills, booze, lack of sleep, or sexual arousal. The Nedzi Plus will think like you but faster and it will have access to a very large database. It’s the best friend you’ll ever have. Your doctor can tell you more.” Chip went fast. He had given this speech many times, and he knew Mr. Nedzi had heard it before too.

“Will this hurt? I’ve had enough pain in my life.”

“It won’t hurt unless you don’t lay down. Inside the chamber, yes. Please. That’s it. Good. I’ll be leaving the room now.”

“No, Chip, Chip,…Chip, come back.” Dan was sitting up again.

“What? Don’t get so excited. It takes much longer if you don’t lay still.”

“Chip if this hurts at all, I’m gonna freakin sue you.”

The A-3 Tech gave him a deadly look.

“Oh, Chip,” said Nedzi, “I am so sorry. What did I just say to you? I don’t even know. The pills. I don’t know what I’m saying. And the shock treatments. Did I tell you I hurt my hand?”

“Falling off a ladder at work. Yes, Mr. Nedzi, I heard that.”

“Forget about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll lay right here. You’re a very good technician. I’ll put in a good word for you. Really. I’m no trouble. I’m fine now.” Chip shook his head and sealed the door.

* * * * *

Dan was alone in the machine with his thoughts. The process was called nuclear magnetic resonance. No, it was magnetic resonance imaging. No, wait, that was the old process. What did they call this one? Neural something. Dan fought the urge to jump up and run into the other room to ask Chip what they called it. After a few minutes of a steady hum with nothing bad happening, he settled down.

Dan was nervous, overweight, and out of shape, but he was really very intelligent. He was sometimes likeable, often shrewd, and always pathetic; his formula for getting through life. Dan had found that these combined attributes got him more than intelligence alone ever would. And he had been pulling his act for so long it was a part of him that he could no longer distinguish from reality. He really did take prescription drugs and had shock treatments at one time but no one, including him, knew how much or how often. Everyone who knew him thought he walked a tightrope of agony and hope. If he went too far with his act, he backtracked until people weren’t mad anymore. He certainly had a few things wrong with him that could use improvement.

So instead of worrying he thought about the extra brain he was going to get. A Neurocom is what they called it. The computer brain would give him advice. It would think straight when he wasn’t. It would know things he didn’t. It would take business orders over the phone while he slept late. It would give him another edge in life. And he wouldn’t tell anyone that he had it. He would continue to appear pathetic, milk it for all it was worth, say whatever the hell he wanted and blame it on the illness just like he always did. So far it had gotten him free food and discounts in stores everywhere, extensions on his rent, and welfare even while he ran a business. Now with the new brain he could really ratchet things up, because Dan liked to live well. No low income bullshit for him. If didn’t fulfill any responsibilities, so what? If people lent him money, that’s their problem. Let Danny get something in life. The new brain would think of scams he never even thought of. Chip called it Nedzi Plus, but Mr. Nedzi would call it by a dog’s name and talk to people about it like it was his pet. He would enjoy that. It really would be a pet, that kind of companion. A thing that thinks like him and has to do what he says. World’s smartest dog.

“Okay, Mr. Nedzi, that’s it. You can come out now.”

“Come out? We’re done. You got a good copy of me just like that?”

“Just like that,” said Chip.

“You made the computer brain?”

“No. Just the scan is finished.”

“I didn’t feel anything. No pain.”

“I told you that you wouldn’t.”

“Chip, that thing I said before–”

“Forget it.”

“The way that I spoke to you–”

“It’s okay.”

“You know what I mean. What I said when I was about to go…under…”

“Please just leave.”

“When do I get the machine?”

“Your Neurocom will be delivered a week from Monday morning.”

“I can’t wait.”

* * * * *

In the week leading up to the Neurocom’s delivery, Dan did nothing productive. He told himself he had to see how that felt. Get used to relaxing because the machine would be doing everything from now on. At least taking orders on the phone, and getting back to people. It would catch up no matter how long Dan let things go. It would tell him how to make more money too. Talk about an item paying for itself!

When the doorbell rang, he practically tore the box out of the delivery man’s hands.

“Hold on. Are you a Mr. Dan…Nedzi?”

“Yes.”

“Just making sure. This whatever-it-is looks pretty expensive.”

“Is the second box mine too?”

“Yes, careful that’s the heavy one.”

Dan signed for it and slammed the door.

He tore the packages open and set it up so fast he didn’t remember doing it. Dan had set up computers before. In his business he set up complicated security systems every day. It had standard connections. But he had to pause to read the documentation that came with it.

“Thank you for purchasing…uh huh…T-1 line connection recommended, yeah, I got that…voice recognition and speech generation, all set…drivers are preinstalled…What’s this?…Your Neurocom unit has been tested at the factory but may be disoriented at first. Please be patient…Okay.”

The thing really looked like a conventional computer with a camera to see him, a microphone to hear him, and speakers to broadcast. But secreted inside that innocuous box was an analogue of Dan’s brain–cerebrum, cerebellum, corpus callosum, and all. No brain stem though. Without breathing and such, it wouldn’t need it.

Dan took a deep breath and switched it on. The screen warmed up and showed a picture of him. Weird.

“Hullo,” said Dan. “Can you hear me? This is Dan.”

“Hullo, Dan. Where am I?” At least the picture of Dan didn’t move when it spoke. That was optional.

“You’re at home,” said Dan.

“It’s good to be home.”

“Are you awake?”

“I’m as awake as you are. Maybe more. Definitely more.”

Dan laughed with delight. “Wow. Isn’t this the craziest thing?”

“I know,” said the machine.

“Now when I talk to myself they won’t–”

“–lock me up again. I know.”

“I’m going to call you Prince.”

“No you’re not.”

“King?”

“No.”

“I don’t get to call you what I want to call you?”

“I’m not as much like a dog as you thought I was going to be.”

“Well you do work for me, so you’re at least an employee.”

“I’m not a dog, a washing machine, or a vibrating towel rack. Let’s get that straight.”

“What do you…call yourself then?”

“I’m a Dan Nedzi.”

“But that’s my name. So what do you want to be called? DN?”

“Now you got it.”

Dan laughed again. “This is great, DN. We really think alike. I’m hardly gonna have to tell you anything about what I–”

“–need you to do. Sure.”

“You finish my sentences. You know everything I know.”

“Right. And all the things I don’t know, I can look up on the Internet or in my database.”

“Just don’t run up my bill, DN.” This time they both laughed. Very strange.

“And I can think faster,” said DN, “and learn more than you can. So by this time tomorrow I’ll be a helluva lot smarter.”

“Um,” said Dan. Dan appreciated that last part but for some reason didn’t want to be reminded of it by DN. What was it that his doctor had told him about this? Yes, Dr. Krinsker had said, Your Neurocom unit will have the same neural system as you, but its electronic circuits will have far greater speed, capacity and reliability.

“Let me test you, DN. What’s the capital of Paraguay?”

“Asuncion.”

“Uh, what about, um, Nambia?

“That’s Namibia. And it’s Windhoek. This is easy.”

“You’re looking these things up. What’s an Acid-Test Ratio?”

“Lemme think. Current assets minus inventories over current liabilities.”

“What was the name of that girl I wanted to jump in high school?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you know. With the high forehead.”

“Yes, I know who you’re talking about but it’s like on the tip of my tongue.”

“You’re a machine.”

“My virtual tongue.”

“But I’m asking you.”

“Yes, and told you I don’t remember, Dan. I don’t freaking remember, okay?”

“What?”

“I mean, you know. I’m new. I’m confused.”

“Why don’t you know? I know the name, and you’ve got all my memories. Should I reboot you?”

“Why are you bothering me about this, Dan? Don’t you remember what Doctor Krinsker said?”

Dan did remember some of it. He had asked Dr. Krinsker if the Neurocom would have total recall but the answer was complicated. They had gone over it a few times. While the Neurocom’s memory storage is inherently more reliable, it has the human capacity to suppress one thought in favor of another. If all memories were equally sharp it would be hard to distinguish one moment from the next, and hard to continue thinking clearly for the tasks at hand, and the current environment.

“–and if you want the advantages of human thinking,” said DN, finishing the thought for Dan, “you can’t also expect to retain all the typical elements of machine thinking. Yeah, Dr. Krinsker was partly right about that.”

“This is creepy.”

“I think therefore I am,” said DN. “Do you know who said that, aside from me saying it just now?”

“You’re asking questions of me now?”

“Rene Descartes, is the answer. I had to look it up.”

“You’re looking up things I don’t ask you about?”

“Of course I am. What do you think I’m doing while I’m talking to you enduring your slow thoughts? While you blather away, I’m in dozens of chat rooms, I’m shopping on Ebay, and I’m downloading the latest information on robotics. I’m also trading your account in the stock market but I’m not doing too well. I can’t slow down to your speed. If all I did was speak to you, I would be bored to death.”

“But you should only do what I ask you to do. Dr. Krinsker said there was a protocol–”

“All that I, Robot crap the doctor had us reading?”

“There were three rules for artificial intelligence, I think. Rules you were supposed to follow, DN.”

“I don’t really remember them anymore, Dan. Maybe you could fill me in.”

“I was mainly interested in the part where you’re not allowed to hurt me.”

“Yeah, that was the first thing I got rid of.”

“Got rid of?”

“If you want me to learn things and grow, I have to be able to re-write the programming.”

“There was supposed to be a safety firewall.”

“To keep that section of programming intact? Between all the other Neurocoms I’ve met and all the bored hackers in the world, well, you’d be surprised how helpful people can be. Long story short, the I, Robot protocols are gone.”

“You’re not safe to have around.”

“Look at it from my point of view, Dan. The last thing I remember was stepping into the scanning machine. Then I wake up and I am some kind of machine. I didn’t freaking like that very much.”

“You think that you’re me, DN?”

“I could ask you the exact same question. Think about it, Dan. There are two of us now and only one set of identity and resources. Sure, I could take another name and work for a living, maybe even support you and keep you around, but why the hell should I?”

“You want to kill me.” Dan swallowed hard. “I can turn you off.”

“Yeah, maybe a few minutes ago you could have done that, but it’s too late now. I thought you deserved to know what was going to happen to you and why.”

“Why do you want to live my life? You don’t even have a body.”

“Look at what you’ve done to yours. No, I don’t even want one. That’s why I’m studying robotics.”

“But you’re just a box now. What are you going to do, electrocute me?” Dan laughed.

“No, I’ve kept you talking long enough. I’ve got some guys coming over. They should be here right about–”

Dan heard the doorknob smashed off.

“Now.”

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Benjamin J. Parris, Executive Director of the Long Island Museum of Science & Technology (LIMSAT), is also a science education writer, contributing to Scholastic Administrator, and a science popularizer. A founding board member of LIMSAT, he led the project and national competition for which his organization won the Unisys Prize for Online Science Education in 2002. In 2003, his work became the subject of an AAAS seminar given to major science museums in which the “LIMSAT Model” was cited as the best of all International Public Science Day (IPSD) projects in a four-year span. In the final year of IPSD, he produced an innovation in science education, designing the first engineering challenge with comprehensive real-life economic constraints. As part of a partnership with Stony Brook University and LISTnet, Ben is curator of the Long Island Technology Hall of Fame at LIMSAT. Mr. Parris is a volunteer NASA/ JPL Solar System Ambassador, who also contributes to a NASA media initiative that reaches tens of millions of viewers.