Apex Book Company

Once I watched this geezer spend all day trying to shake bugs from his hair. It didn’t do him no good though. You can’t just shake these things out. They’d be no good loose in your hair so’s you could get rid of ‘em with a good scratch and a shake. Oh, he probably thought it worked, but I know different.

What did you say? No, mate. That’s what the wife thought. I don’t mean bugs as in creepy-crawlies. Or bugs as in those little electronic devices MI5 and MI6 used to plant in the telephones. They’re not that sort of bug. I mean bug as in control thingamajig. Bug as in bugger the brain. That’s why I calls ‘em bugs: bug-ger the brain. They’re small, yeah. Electronic, yeah. But that’s all they’ve got in common with those old-fashioned devices.

These bugs have people thinking and doing what the government wants. And they’re not attached to the outside of your head, your scalp I s’pose you’d say. No, they’re nothing the nit nurse at school could’ve laid her hands on. Squeezed between her nails so’s you heard this loud crack and said ta-ta louse. These things are real good implants. Made by the best electronics experts. Course, it was years ago when I saw that bloke trying to shake ‘em out. They’ve improved ‘em no end since then. You can’t even feel ‘em now, let alone see ‘em. And they’re put in at birth. When they whisk babies off to be weighed they also pop these blighters inside their heads. Only takes a jiffy. They do some with lasers, burn the tiniest of holes through the skull, and bob’s your uncle. You can’t even feel the hole it’s so tiny.

Nah. It don’t hurt. The skull’s soft at that age. And babies have this gap called the fontanel.

Yeah, the fontanel. It’s where the bones haven’t joined together yet. I know that cos I made it me business to find out. Had to so’s I could understand everything proper like. Anyway, they pop some of them bugs through these fontanels, but they still have to make holes for the rest. There’s lobes in the brain and they all have to be implanted. But that’s how they do it now. Back then they just popped ‘em under the skin so there was a way to get rid of ‘em. And I discovered it. But I’ll come to that all in good time.

You ever wondered why people go to work every day? Why they go home at the end of the day tired and exhausted and not wanting to do nothing ‘cept sit in front of the box and watch them rubbish quizzes and soaps? What’s it for? Nothing, I tell you. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Nil. They could get paid the social but they don’t. Nah, the government wouldn’t like it if everyone went asking for money, so they control you with these bugs–make you go out to work. Most of the time they got people so well controlled they don’t even wonder why they’re doing it, they just goes and does it every day ’til they’re old and knackered and not much good no more. Then the government stops sending that ‘go to work’ message and people start thinking of retiring. That’s about the only time anyone gets anything back.

Then there’s the kids all wanting the same toy, the latest computer game. It’s the bugs. And those creams that women think’ll make ‘em younger. They don’t work. Just look around and you’ll see I’m right. How many sexy bits of skirt are there?

Right. You have to look hard to find one good-looking bird. Blimey! I wouldn’t mind so much if it gave us something worth having. A nice bit a crumpet. Then I’d be glad the wife had divorced me. I kid meself though. My pulling days are well and truly over with this ugly mug of mine. But I’m drifting off the subject. If the creams did work, and the shampoos, and the toothpastes, then wouldn’t all them birds look eighteen and be wiggling them cute little arses at us? So why do they buy ‘em?

You’re wrong. It’s not the adverts. That’s what the government wants you to think. People ain’t that stupid. Most people ain’t anyway. Ignorant, yes. But that’s different. That’s when you ain’t been schooled proper. But it don’t stop you from learning, or mean you can’t learn. And anyway, even yer lawyers and yer doctors buy the stuff. You can’t tell me they’re stupid.

So, you want to know what’s in it for the government? Simple. It’s the economy they’re concerned about. Keeps these same controlled people in jobs. Someone has to research the stuff, make it, sell it, and advertise it like you just pointed out. Millions of jobs are created because people are made to go and buy all these things that’re totally useless.

And people do get to keep some of the money they earn. Not all of it, not even much of it. The government takes more than its fair share through taxes and stuff. But that’s in the government’s interest, too. How else would they pay for all them implants if we weren’t going and giving ‘em the money? And they need to keep everyone in line, make ‘em do what they wants ‘em to do. Oh yeah, they’ve even got everyone voting the way they want ‘em to vote when those elections roll around. That’s why they don’t let me vote, see. Cos I got rid of me bugs. Can’t control me the way they want.

You still listening, mate?

Good. Thought for a minute you was off with the cuckoos. Seen enough of that type over the years to know. And just for a moment there, it seemed like I’d lost you. Anyway, as you are still with me, I’ll carry on with what I was saying.

So you gets the idea. They put those little buggers inside your head and control you. The real amazing thing is, each and every one of you has a different frequency. That’s how they still gets people to behave like individuals. Stops your average geezer on the street from becoming suspicious. Genius, right?

Yeah. Thought you’d agree. Funny thing is, them women seem to know more than us blokes. Most of ‘em anyway. Us blokes are easier to control. Something to do with that multitasking thing women are so good at. The bugs are limited in the number of thoughts, applications you might say, that they can operate at any one time. But, again, the government keeps this knowledge to a minimum. When women gets to wondering like, they sends out messages to tell ‘em it’s their hormones. Works too. How many times you heard a woman say, “I just had to have it,” or, “I couldn’t resist it”?

And babies? Don’t most of ‘em have this burning desire to have a kid? Even when everyone knows what a pain in the arse they are. How they gets you up in the middle of the night when all you want to do is sleep. Then, when the kid gets older, you can’t go out cos you haven’t got a babysitter, or you can’t afford a holiday cos kids cost too much money. Same thing, they’re being controlled. Told to go and get pregnant. But it’s subtle like. It’s put in such a way that these women thinks they wants kids. Ah, but they don’t really. And, unlike us geezers, they know it on a subconscious level cos they’re not controlled proper. Don’t s’pose you will, but if you ever gets a chance to listen to a group of women, have an ear full. They says things like, “If I had me chance again, I wouldn’t go getting meself in the club”. Oh yeah, they do.

But there’s one thing the government’s researching at this very moment, and that’s reading yer mind. They can’t do it without making you sicker than a baby in pig shit. That’s how I managed to get rid of me bugs. If they’d been reading me mind, then they’d've stopped me. But I told you, I’ll come to that later.

First, I’ve got to tell you about this research thingy they’re doing. Way back they used all them TV masts to send out the signals. You know, like that one at Crystal Palace, the one that looks like it’s got a ginormous fag stuck on top of it. But them things can only transmit, so they had to come up with some other way of reading thoughts. Had all them scientists working on it for years, they did. And, eventually, they comes up with this idea of mobile phones. Think about it. They’re a two-way thing. So be warned, I wouldn’t go using that phone of yours too often if I was you.

Anyway, it gave ‘em a reason to build all them little masts–the ones with those funny dishes fixed to the top. You see ‘em all over the country now. Then all they had to do was get geezers like you and me to buy phones.

Yeah, you got it. They sent out messages telling everyone they wanted a mobile. Even kids as young as five was told they needed one. Now, wherever you look, there’s people with the things glued to their ears. On the train, in the car, walking along the streets. Everywhere. People was even crying out for new aerials to be stuck up. They wanted a good signal wherever they went. Even in the countryside, though Gawd knows why. And that’s when they came unstuck. Brain tumours–you must of seen it on the news.

Given the government quite a headache. It’s cos of the bugs that this cancer thing’s happening. Them bugs draws the signals straight into the brain, and that’s the problem. Concentrates the radiation, it does. Course, the government don’t want us all dying–

Nah, they don’t. Where d’you think they’d get the dosh from if we was all ill and dying? And they’d have to spend what they did have on that National Health, now, wouldn’t they? Everyone in hospital getting treated and nobody out working means no money and no-one to control. Big problem.

But I ain’t worried cos they can’t control me. They can take away me voting rights just cos they don’t like me ugly boat.

Sorry, mate, rhyming slang. Boat race: face. And they can give me pills; not that I take ‘em or nothing. Oh no, they can’t control me that way neither. I’m a free man. They can’t bang me up cos I ain’t done nothing wrong, and they can’t stick me inside one of them nut houses cos I ain’t done no-one no harm. It’s only meself they say is harmed.

Which brings me nicely to why I look such a bloody mess. And it’s not to frighten off the birds, although it does have that effect, more’s the pity. But there’s a price for everything and this is the price I had to pay for me freedom. You don’t think I like walking around with no hair growing on me head and a face so full of scars that I’ve got less bum fluff than a new born baby. Even me old Ma wouldn’t recognise me if she was still alive–God rest ‘er soul. But I likes to look on the bright side. No beard means I don’t have to shave.

Remember I told you they used to implant them bugs under the scalp. Can’t do what I did if you’ve got them newfangled contraptions inside your skull though. I’m lucky, I was able to set fire to me head and destroy all me bugs. Burned the lot, I did. Just a load of melted plastic and fused metal under me skin now. Won’t work nor nothing.

And that’s why I wanted this chat. There’s a good chance you have them old-fashioned bugs fitted. You know, the ones that can be burnt out. There’s one way to find out for certain.

Yeah, I know it’s cold at first. Petrol always is. But don’t worry, we’ll soon have you nice ‘n’ hot. It only takes a minute. Mm! Matches smell great.

Now to get rid of them bugs for you.