by Jason Sizemore

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Brian Keene Must Die!

It’s well-known in the genre circles that Mr. Keene has a zombie-sized chip on his shoulder. He’s always angry. He reeks of whiskey. The cigars he smokes can gag a Chicago meat packing employee into a vomiting outburst.

Keene, in a drunken outburst, once promised me the world. He promised to write a sequel to City of the Dead, a book that all his fans want, a book that would catapult Apex into the lap of Oprah Winfrey. I was his friend. He owed me.

Days…weeks…months passed with no book. I emailed him. Big Joe, Mr. Keene’s assistant, wrote back saying that Mr. Keene asks that I go “slide down a greasy pole ass-end first.”

Mr. Keene! You owed me this book! You owed it to your fans! I’ve never done anything for you, in truth, but still, you OWED ME!!!

Never mind all this.

We’re even now.

You ever read his book titled Dark Hollow? You know the one, where Brian Keene…er, I mean Adam Senft and his buddies encounter a well-endowed horny satyr in the woods behind Keene’s…er, Senft’s house? Hey. Guess what?

Hylinus lives.

While Mr. Keene was on one of his weekly excursions to his favorite comic shop, I rammed zombie-boy off the road into a ditch with my large white van. I tossed his broken body into the back of the van, dumped a bucket of fragrant oil over his body, and then wrapped him in a clear plastic tarp. I then drove into the heart of darkness and found Hylinus.

Hylinus smiled as I brought Keene’s body to him. “Bring him and allow us to savor the sex of this wonderful season.”

I dumped the body and ran away, not wanting to watch the proceedings. Hylinus likes to play rough.

But is Mr. Keene dead?

If the sound of Hylinus’s sexual wailing are any indication, then yes, Mr. Keene is dead, ripped open in the most heinous ways possible.

Related posts:

  1. Review of Dark Hollow by Brian Keene
  2. Kill Whitey by Brian Keene — A Review
  3. Brian Freeman–Changes at Cemetery Dance magazine